CAUTION: The following entries contain information about the spontaneous abortion I've endured on a day-by-day basis. I wanted the details for me and anyone else who may endure a natural spontaneous abortion... reference, basically. If you are easily upset or feel ill by descriptions of blood and such, do NOT read the first few lines after each daily entry.
Monday, June 25. Day 21 Bleeding increased again. So stressful. Jess found that 20-30% of pregnancies bleed in the first trimester. Dare I hope?
As far as meditating, I did another like last night. So tired. I feel unable to maintain the longer meditation I had built up to.
June 26. Day 22 I found out the hCG numbers fell drastically from last Wednesday 'til today. This bleeding is not the potentially normal for 20-30% of pregnancies. I am experiencing a spontaneous abortion. I cried much today. Mourning.
As for meditating, I repeated the last few routines, except that I forgot to do the Calm Heart part. Still felt really good, relaxing and helpful to meditate. I see even more reason for Father God to lead me to this technology for the human system. God is GREAT!
June 27. Day 23 Still bleeding. About the same as yesterday. Passed many large clots. So much pain today that I called a friend to ask if she had Ibprophen. She was over in under 10 minutes to give me some. Soon after I passed 1 clot in particular..... Close your eyes if you get grossed out by gross things... I held it. But I didn't cry. I felt like I wanted to, but didn't. A while later Jess asked me to bless the food. I began to pray and then broke down in blubbering tears and couldn't finish. Thankfully, at least, I wasn't in pain through all that.
As for meditating, another repeat of yesterday. I'm so super tired, mentally and emotionally. So thinking about even trying to meditate for longer than the bare minimum is exhausting. Yet, logically, I'm sure it would totally benefit me. This meditation stuff is so super... beneficial. But I'm just so tired. At least I'm maintaining.
June 28. Day 24 Still bleeding, but seems to be changing. I've had fewer and smaller clots. Tired and sad, but not crying. Shed some tears, but very few. It feels strange to express this... the lack of tears, but it is what it is. It's just that normally I'm a pretty big cry-er over crud that feels bad. So the absence of crying feels rather strange. I'm wondering if it's on delay for some reason. Or maybe it's a result of the meditating... that I'm changing so much. I mean, I've read how some people have had an EKG before beginning a specified period of meditating and then another at the end of that period of time and the brains of many/most look like they could belong to two different people. So, it's possible that this Tori I am becomming just doesn't cry so much. Who knows!
As for meditating: tune-in, figure 8 serpentine neck roll (about 4m), meditation for addiction (5m), calm heart (5m), kirtan kriya (13m), tune-out. Total about 29minutes. I sat in the MfA until my shoulders ached and then a little longer; which is how I got to 3 minutes previous days and 5 minutes today. This feels like a good indicator that I'm getting my strength back. Hopefully!
June 29. Day 25 Still bleeding, but significantly fewer clots. Gross, I know, but that's the way of it. Some of them are more sad than others....
As for meditating: Ria(day 10): tune-in, neck roll, calm heart, and tune-out. She's diggin' meditating!
I completed: tune-in, neck roll (4m), meditation for addiction (5m), kirtan kriya (25m), calm heart (5m), tune-out. So, about a 41 minutes meditation today.
June 30. Day 26 Still bleeding today. But less. Fewer changes through the day. Less blood; more sad.
As for meditating: tune-in, neck roll (5m), meditation for addiction (5m), kirtan kriya (31m), calm heart (5m), tune-out. So, my total time in meditation today was about: 48 minutes. Sure didn't feel like it! I feel like I received some personal revelation, too, which is always lovely! :)
Sunday, July 1. Day 27 Still bleeding. Lost another large clot today. I'm hopeful that I may be through this passage soon.
As for meditating: tune-in, neck roll (5m), meditation for addiction (5m), kirtan kriya (31m), calm heart (7m), tune-out. So, my total time today was about 50 minutes. The awesome thing (and first time) abot today is how completely timeless my experience was. Each time I checked the clock the full period had passed or more (except once). Pretty wonderful, to me. :)
July 2. Day 28 Much less blood today. Almost no clots. Thought the bleeding stopped at one point.
As for meditating: tune-in, neck roll (5m), meditation for addiction (5m), kirtan kriya (31m), conquering anger meditation (3m), calm heart (5m), tune-out. Total time of about 52 minutes. Today's coolness is of a sort I've expereinced before when I do the kind of breathing I did for the anger part. Tingling in my face and arms. Very very cool feeling, I must say.
DAY 1 of an additional/new 40 day Journey, which is primarily focused on the conquering anger meditation. I'm still going to do and try all sorts of other meditations (as I have been doing a little bit), but I'm going to make sure to do the anger one every day for 40 day starting today on. Should be neat. I can definitely do with some bigger and faster changes in Tori regarding anger. (Couldn't we all?)
July 3. Day 29 Bleeding continues to decrease. I no longer need to wear a pad. Good healing progress. I'm glad, but a tiny part of me is sad. With the end of blood is the complete end of the pregnancy and baby... I don't think I can explain it, but it's just sad.
As for meditating: tune-in, neck roll (3m), meditation for addiction [MfA] (5m), kirtan kriya (31m), conquering anger meditation (3m), calm heart (5m), tune-out. Total about 49 minutes.
DAY 2 of Conquering Anger Meditation and I felt really neat tingling in my arms and a tiny bit in my face again today. I'm going to try to increase my time in this part of the meditation to 5 minutes after about a week. I believe my goal is 14 minutes of this meditation, which may not seem like a like a lot, but it's a rather taxing meditation, actually.
July 4. Day 30 Barely any bleeding. Just pink on the TP. I think this thing is almost done. I cried today, but it was only tenuously related to my feelings about the loss of this baby. And I did not cry much at all... barely any tears. Not normal for Tori in the past. Change... it's interesting!
As for meditation: tune-in, head roll (4m), MfA (5m), kirtan kriya (31m), CAM (4m), calm heart (5m), tune-out. Total about 51 minutes.
DAY 3 of Conquering Anger Meditation (CAM) My arms and especially the palms of my hands tingled a great deal after my measely four minutes of this meditation today. It's really quite itense and difficult for me. My arms definitely are not as strong as they need to be to complete 14 minutes of this one!
For the final installment of the 40 days of meditation, CLICK HERE.
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